I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.

So, in light of the fact that I'm apparently talking in my sleep about this, I guess I need to try to air it out in hopes that I will give my subconscious a rest.

The title post is taken from Jessica Rabbit's famous line in 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit." Jessica is, um, one hot mama, sporting every single physical jewel that plastic-surgery junkies consider mere modus operandi to "looking like the best me": soft, enormous, pillowy lips (often referred to as the Angelina Lips), teeeeeeeny tiny nose (think Heidi Klum), and, duh, some big ol' titties.

If Jessica Rabbit were real, I'm sure her repertoire would have been extended to an ear tuck, brow lift, cheek injection, and many additional "nips and tucks" to keep that waist so trim it's a miracle she doesn't crumble from the weight of such impressive décolletage. She may even have had some more personalized procedures, such as having an elongated chin shaved down, or implants wedged into her flat trunk ... sound familiar? Maybe like a certain young "starlet" who not only did get that chin shaved and butt "augmented" this past November, but also underwent each and every one of the aforementioned procedures in-- wait for it-- one, completely unnecessary, ten hour surgery. (Click for full photo)

As much as I wanted to resist joining the ranks of Heidi Montag's critics, I simply cannot get over these interview quotes that keep popping up over my dear Jezebel. (That and, when David informed me that amidst all the sleep-talk garble I'm famous for, my subconscious was apparently fuming over how she "looks like a tranny!") There have been some true gems that came out of her post-op interviews, but some quotes were, well, gut-wrenching. I'll let you differentiate:

• In response to whether she had chosen to unveil the new look in order to promote her conveniently timed release of her first album, she responded swiftly that, "Ohhhh no! That's all God's timing."
• On how young girls are supposed to respond to the apparently superficial and self-loathing message she's sending: "Well, my message is really that beauty is within."
• On if she thinks DDD is large enough: "I actually want H for Heidi."
• "I'm not addicted [to plastic surgery]. If I was addicted I would have had ten plastic surgeries" (Um... she did. Ten.)
• "I had to look through hours of photos for what boob size I wanted in Playboy...if you're going to do surgery, it's like doing research you know, for a paper you're writing."
• Paraphrased: "It's a spiritual transformation. God made Dr. Ryan who made me so it's okay with Him."
• "I went to an after-care place, and I was in so much pain, and like, literally crying, and just saying I-- I felt like I wanted to die, almost."

Wow. I love how she talks about the recovery with a definitive air of surprise, "It really.. hurt." What? Really? You mean that injecting all those foreign objects and substances and fats into your body didn't feel awesome? Because I always imagined that having my jaw bone sanded down would feel amazing.

I'm not really anti-cosmetic surgery, just to be clear. When I was growing up, the only kind of plastic surgeries I knew about were the standard boob/nose jobs, lipo and face-lifts that were generally frowned upon and seemed to only happen with the rich, bored, and unhappy. Now, while limelight, insecurity and shitloads of cash seem to make up the dangerous combination that launches many-a young celebrity into the rusty jaws of cosmetic surgery, I know many women and men who undergo the knife for reasons that are entirely reasonable: relatively so. While I don't think that multiple procedures (and certainly, some procedures even by themselves) are all that healthy for your body, I can definitely sympathize with the feeling that you're missing something (or have too much of something) that has nothing to do with exercise and healthy living. In an effort of full disclosure, I should say that I fully plan on having a boob-job of some kind after my breasts have served their purpose (after a life-long struggle with these guys, I will savor reclaiming them in my later years).

But while I don't necessarily love my chin or lips or nose, I think that shelling these features in favor of some stock plastic replacements wouldn't possibly bring me happiness. And while I don't know Heidi Montag, I just can't imagine that now that she looks like the Cat Lady's little sister, she's 100% happy with herself. And I can guarantee she isn't 100% finished getting work done either. One doesn't get neck liposuction at 23 and just ride out the fruits of that labor til death. Tis not exactly an endeavor with totally solid long-term effects.